When browsing forums and social media platforms like Reddit and Threads, one frequently encounters various terms that describe unique relationship dynamics, such as "Ghosting", "Situationship", and "Breadcrumbing". These terms vividly illustrate the quality of emotional communication. For instance, "Ghosting" refers to one party in a relationship disappearing without a trace, offering no explanation and leaving messages unanswered. "Situationship", a blend of "Situation" and "Relationship," describes a vague connection where both individuals seem to be in a romantic relationship but hesitate to make any formal commitment. "Breadcrumbing", on the other hand, characterizes a person's interaction style as if they are scattering breadcrumbs; occasionally sending a "Hey", meme, or emoji, to act as emotional bait, merely maintaining contact without deepening the communication over time. When you raise questions or express feelings, they may respond with avoidance or humor, glossing over the issue.
These relationship phenomena are often discussed - are people unwilling to commit to a relationship, reluctant to invest effort in communication? Do they not like the other person enough? Or are they actually emotionally closed off, unprepared, or unsure how to connect with others on an emotional level?
In this article, we will explore "emotional availability", the cornerstone of connection in intimate relationships.
Can you connect emotionally with others?
Scholars point out that emotional availability (EA) refers to a person's willingness and ability to connect emotionally with others. Emotional availability is primarily applied in psychology to parent-child relationships, but it also reflects the interactions and quality of other intimate relationships, such as those between partners, close friends, and siblings. We apply the Emotional Availability Scale (EAS) to various intimate relationships:
- Sensitivity: Accurately identifying and understanding the emotional signals of the other person by observing their body language, tone, and emotions; and responding through actions and emotional expressions.
- Structuring: Accompanying or openly guiding the other person in exploring their emotions and needs through interaction.
- Non-intrusiveness: Respecting boundaries and providing the other person with comfortable personal space.
- Non-hostility: Regulating one's own negative emotions and not directing them towards the other person.
- Responsiveness: Responding to the emotions conveyed by the other person.
- Involvement: Actively engaging with and understanding each other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Emotional availability emphasizes the responsiveness to others' emotional needs (Emotional Responsiveness), such as responding to a partner's feelings of joy or sadness, and the ability to attune to meet their needs. Emotional availability reflects both parties' abilities to be aware, perceive, experience, and express emotions within the relationship.
For instance, when a partner is going through a tough time (like struggling to find a job or having a disagreement with family), a person with high emotional availability will actively listen to their sharing, demonstrate genuine empathy, and offer support. Conversely, when the partner is in a good mood (such as sharing positive experiences from the day), they can also receive and respond to that joy, engaging in deeper conversations and showing intimacy. Their interactions and responses are stable and predictable, affirming the partner's experiences while sharing their own thoughts and feelings. They are open to feedback, do not shy away from difficult conversations, are willing to reveal their deeper selves, and confront their own shortcomings to make practical changes.
Emotional availability helps build a strong emotional connection in intimate relationships, fostering a comprehensive understanding and support of each other's needs. It enhances trust, open communication, and relationship satisfaction, while also demonstrating resilience in facing challenges or disagreements. For the individual, emotional availability also aids in increasing self-awareness, effectively regulating emotions, and clearly expressing needs.
What is emotional unavailability?
In contrast, emotional unavailability describes a person’s inability to connect emotionally with themselves or others in a relationship. This may manifest as avoiding discussions or expressions of their own feelings and experiences, failing to respond to the emotional needs of others, and avoiding intimacy, which prevents the relationship from progressing.
This concept may sound similar to emotional immaturity, but the latter refers to a person’s tendency to express emotions in an uncontrolled or excessive manner. For example, they might struggle to restrain themselves from getting angry at others, fail to recognize and share their feelings deeply, have difficulty admitting mistakes, and struggle to establish secure and healthy relationships.
Signs of emotional unavailability include:
- Emotional Distancing: Detaching or distancing oneself emotionally, avoiding intimacy, and evading discussions about feelings or thoughts.
- Avoidance of Vulnerability: Hiding vulnerabilities and emotions from the other person, leading to a lack of emotional intimacy and trust in the relationship.
- Difficulty in Expressing or Understanding Emotions: Struggling to articulate or comprehend emotions.
Emotional unavailability can leave the other person in the relationship feeling lonely, confused, rejected, and in a state of ongoing internal conflict. Inconsistent signals can activate the brain's stress response, releasing cortisol and keeping individuals in a heightened state of alertness. Ongoing uncertainty makes it difficult to build trust, stability, and a sense of security in the relationship.
Some psychologists point out that individuals with emotional unavailability may have experienced emotional neglect in childhood, leading them to not understand the importance of expressing emotions. As they grow up, they may develop avoidant attachment tendencies and styles, downplaying the significance of intimate relationships, avoiding reliance on others in favor of self-reliance, and feeling hesitant or unaware of how to express and meet their emotional needs. They may also struggle to understand how to respond to the needs of others, potentially even repeating the attitudes and behaviors of their caregivers from childhood.
Thus, it is evident that a caregiver's emotional availability profoundly influences a child's attachment style, impacting their emotional availability in other intimate relationships as they grow. Additionally, emotional unavailability may be related to personal fears (such as fear of rejection and not being accepted) and past experiences in intimate relationships. If someone has experienced betrayal, rejection, or abandonment, they may be inclined to maintain emotional distance, avoid showing vulnerability, or struggle with how to confront their emotions.
In this era of digital connections, the labyrinth of emotional relationships can leave many feeling adrift. At times, we may shield ourselves by burying and suppressing our feelings, gradually silencing the whispers of our true inner selves. Yet, we need to remember: to truly feel and express our essence, to understand and respond to the emotions of others, is the very lifeblood of intimacy. To be seen and understood, we must first summon the courage to reveal our authentic selves.
References:
Biringen, Z., & Easterbrooks, M. A. (2012). Emotional availability: Concept, research, and window on developmental psychopathology. Development and Psychopathology, 24(1), 1–8. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579411000617
Saunders, H., Kraus, A., Barone, L., & Biringen, Z. (2015). Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Frontiers in psychology, 6, 1069. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069
Biringen, Z., Derscheid, D., Vliegen, N., Closson, L., & Easterbrooks, M. A. (2014). Emotional availability (EA): Theoretical background, empirical research using the EA Scales, and clinical applications. Developmental Review, 34(2), 114–167. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.dr.2014.01.002
Langlais, M., Podberesky, A., Toohey, L. et al. Defining and Describing Situationships: An Exploratory Investigation. Sexuality & Culture 28, 1831–1857 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-024-10210-6
Emotional Availability: Cultivating Healthy Relationships. Couples Counselling Centre. Retrieved from https://couplescounsellingcentre.com/couples-counseling/emotional-availability-cultivating-healthy-relationships/
Mark Travers. (2025). 3 Texting Red Flags That Reveal Emotional Unavailability, By A Psychologist. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2025/05/15/3-texting-red-flags-that-reveal-emotional-unavailability-by-a-psychologist/
Arasteh Gatchpazian. (2025). Emotional Unavailability: Definition, Causes, & Signs. Berkeley Well Being Institute. Retrieved from https://www.berkeleywellbeing.com/emotional-unavailability.html
Emotional Availability Test. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/relationships/emotional-availability-test
