Understanding Attachment Theory (Part 2)

In "Understanding Attachment Theory (Part 1): How Attachment Styles Shape Our Relationships", we delve into the primary types of attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. Our levels of anxiety and avoidance significantly influence our attachment tendencies. As we navigate different intimate relationships, these styles can evolve. By becoming aware of our inner needs and promoting open communication, we can foster a greater sense of security in our relationships.

In Attached, psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller highlight that around 50% of the population has a secure attachment style, while 25% exhibit preoccupied attachment and another 25% show avoidant attachment. It's important to note that there are no inherently good or bad attachment styles. If we or our partners display behaviours linked to insecure attachment, we can improve our comfort, security, and happiness in relationships by fostering self-awareness, understanding one another, and engaging in open, effective communication.

Below are psychologists' recommendations for cultivating a more secure attachment style in intimate relationships:

1. Take an Honest Look at Your Attachment Style

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." If you often feel discouraged or unsecured in relationships, start by asking yourself: 

What does my ideal relationship look like in terms of interaction? e.g., open expression of emotions, mutual encouragement, shared responsibilities.
What are my needs and values in a relationship? e.g., respect, honesty, loyalty.

Next, think about your current attachment style and behaviors. What do you do when you seek security or want to keep your distance? For example, posting photos on social media for reassurance or leaving messages unread to create space. What needs do these behaviours reflect? Everyone has unique expressions and needs in intimate relationships, so approach this reflection with curiosity and a kind, non-judgmental mindset.

2. Open and Effective Communication

Effective communication is essential because we all possess different attachment styles and emotional needs. By engaging in open communication, we can express our needs clearly - without manipulation, assumptions, or ambiguity. For example, individuals with a preoccupied attachment style often seek a high level of intimacy and need consistent reassurance regarding their partner's commitment, care, and support. Those with an avoidant attachment style may prefer to maintain some distance, both physically and emotionally, valuing their partner's respect for their autonomy and expressions of trust.

To foster a relationship where both partners feel comfortable, it is important to develop effective communication habits. This enables each person to understand the other's needs and helps avoid complications arising from excessive closeness or intentional distancing.

When expressing needs, it can be helpful to use phrases like "I", "need", and "feel", which focus on thoughts and desired outcomes. For example, you might say, "When you counter my suggestions in front of my friends, it makes me feel undervalued. I hope you can respect my opinions."

We can also refer to the principles of nonviolent communication, which involve observation, expressing feelings, identifying needs, and making requests to gently convey our needs. For instance:

"When you’re frequently late for our outings (observation), 

I feel unhappy and undervalued (feeling). 

I’d appreciate it if you could respect our agreed-upon time (need). 

Can we make it a point to meet on time next time (request)?"

If you're not used to effective communication, try writing down what you want to say in advance. This can help you express your needs with more confidence. For example, if something recent with your partner made you feel uncomfortable and you haven’t had the chance to talk about it, consider reflecting on the situation by writing:

• What happened? Think about what you and your partner said and did.
• How did you respond? What was the outcome?
• What thoughts, feelings, and emotions did this bring up for you?
• What actions from your partner would make you feel more loved and secure? Which of these can you share and discuss with them?

The right timing is essential for effective communication. For instance, face-to-face conversations provide immediate responses and a more personal connection compared to messages or phone calls. Furthermore, when both parties are in a stable emotional state, it facilitates the clear expression of feelings and needs and helps in receiving each other's perspectives more effectively.

3. Mindfully Building a Strong Connection

We can find role models with secure attachment styles in our lives - people who demonstrate safe and healthy relationships. These individuals might be partners, elders, friends, colleagues, therapists, or others in our social circles. By observing how they interact with others, we can reimagine what a secure attachment relationship looks like and gain valuable insights. When faced with emotionally triggering situations, think about how these role models might respond. What perspectives would they bring to the situation?

The checklist from Attached is a tool designed to help reflect on and practice secure attachment styles. The following example will guide you in using the checklist to look into your attachment patterns in relationships:

A trusting relationship can gradually heal anxious and avoidant tendencies. Additionally, research indicates that frequently sharing enjoyable experiences can enhance the sense of security for avoidant individuals. Creating special moments together - like taking walks in the park, watching movies or TV shows, or cooking dinner, can strengthen your connection. Engaging in these shared experiences, expressing gratitude for them, and discussing plans and hopes for the future can significantly boost feelings of security.

4. Embrace Your Self-Worth

While reflecting on your attachment style and learning effective communication, remember your inherent brilliance. Consider your interests, strengths, talents, achievements, and personal growth. Pay attention to your inner dialogue. Are you affirming and encouraging yourself? Challenge any long-held doubts or perceived weaknesses.

Research on attachment styles shows that many participants found that recognising their negative self-beliefs might not be true helped them cultivate a more positive self-image. This shift enhanced their sense of self-worth and allowed them to approach relationships with a mindset of security rather than fear.

Everyone faces their own challenges, making love a journey fraught with difficulty. Whether your attachment style leans toward the secure or the insecure, a deeper love may emerge when both partners are willing to understand and accompany each other through conflicts and complexities. By embracing and recognising each other’s attachment styles, affirming self-worth and needs, learning the art of effective communication, and consciously nurturing the relationship, you can gracefully navigate the path forward together.

References:

Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2020). How Can I Become More Secure?: A Grounded Theory of Earning Secure Attachment. Journal of marital and family therapy, 46(3), 489–506. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12409

Bayraktaroglu, D., Gunaydin, G., Selcuk, E., Besken, M., & Karakitapoglu-Aygun, Z. (2023). The role of positive relationship events in romantic attachment avoidance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 124(5), 958–970. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000406

Mark Travers. (2024). 3 Ways To ‘Reprogram’ An Insecure Attachment Style, From A Psychologist. Forbes. Retrieved from

https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/15/3-ways-to-reprogram-an-insecure-attachment-style-from-a-psychologist/

Mark Travers. (2024). 3 Steps For Creating A Deeply Secure Relationship, From A Psychologist. Forbes. Retrieved from https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/09/02/3-steps-for-creating-a-deeply-secure-relationship-from-a-psychologist/