Silent treatment can be seen as a subtle form of harm in intimate relationships, whether among family members, partners, or friends. It may manifest as a deliberate disregard during disagreements, unanswered messages after friends cancel plans, or the avoidance of eye contact, accompanied by minimal words, when addressing a child’s misbehavior.
Though silent treatment may appear common, what truly qualifies as such? In simple terms, it’s the refusal to communicate, whether intentional or unintentional. For some, withdrawing from conflict and embracing silence serves as a coping mechanism; expressing vulnerability and sharing emotions can feel daunting. They may choose distance to shield themselves from the weight of direct expression.
Yet, there exists another layer: maintaining silence can become a deliberate act of passive-aggressive behavior. By embodying withdrawal, avoidance, and ignorance, one can evoke discomfort and frustration in another, leaving them adrift in confusion and uncertainty about the unfolding situation.
The Psychological Effects of Experiencing Silent Treatment
You might wonder, "How can silence be harmful?" In fact, when faced with silent treatment, we feel the sting of neglect and rejection, prompting our brains to recognize a threat to our social connections. This response awakens the sympathetic nervous system. Research shows that during this time, the area of the brain responsible for processing pain, the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, becomes active. In other words, being ignored or rejected can inflict emotional pain.
Those on the receiving end of silent treatment may experience anxiety and fear, feelings of helplessness and abandonment, leading to self-doubt and self-criticism, creating a cycle of inner turmoil that can even impact self-esteem. Research also shows that silent treatment can lead to ongoing conflict, as neither party has the opportunity to express their feelings.
A study on silent treatment within families found that it diminishes children's self-esteem and satisfaction in parent-child relationships. Additionally, researchers conducted interviews with individuals who have endured silent treatment. A wife, subjected to her husband’s silence for 40 years, reported a profound loss of sense of belonging, control, self-esteem, and meaning in life. Many interviewees expressed confusion about the reasons behind the silent treatment, leaving them feeling deeply perplexed.
Understanding the Reasons Behind Silent Treatment
Silent treatment may stem from various psychological factors, including but not limited to:
- Avoiding Conflict: Some individuals may fear showing vulnerability, expressing emotions, or facing conflicts, which leads to the suppression of feelings and the use of silent treatment.
- Lacking Self-Awareness: Some individuals may feel confused or overwhelmed by their own emotions, resulting in the use of silent treatment as a means of expression.
- Lacking Communication Skills: Some individuals may struggle to articulate their feelings and needs, leading them to use silent treatment to convey their desires or prompt others to change.
- Using Silent Treatment as Punishment: Some individuals may view silent treatment as a method of punishment or control, making the other person feel isolated, which can potentially escalate to emotional abuse.
- Avoiding Responsibility: Some individuals may avoid accountability by withdrawing and ignoring others.
If you find yourself exhibiting behaviors similar to silent treatment, it’s important to recognize that awareness is a great starting point. Acknowledging its existence allows you to gradually understand its significance, such as unmet needs and emotions, marking the beginning of learning and adjustment.
Consider what needs lie behind these behaviors. Silent treatment is a behavior that often stems from unfulfilled needs. Can these needs be expressed in other ways? On the other hand, reflect on where this behavior of expressing needs through silent treatment was learned. Was it shaped by past intimate relationships (such as family of origin or partners), subtly becoming a habit? Or was it influenced by various social relationships?
Silence vs Silent Treatment
However, sometimes stepping back from a conflict can be the appropriate choice. For example, one party may realize that their emotions are running high, and continuing the conversation would only escalate tension and anger, potentially leading to hurtful words. Alternatively, one party may need space to calm down, process their feelings, and organize their thoughts on how to express themselves effectively.
The key is to clearly communicate the need for this time apart before stepping away, alleviating any anxiety that silence may cause the other person. This kind of silence is meant for emotional processing and to facilitate better communication.
If you find yourself engaging in silent treatment behaviors, it may be helpful to reflect on the following questions:
- What specific actions from the other person have contributed to your feelings of discomfort?
- Could this situation be improved through open dialogue?
- Did the other person intend to cause harm? Or might it have been unintentional?
- Are they aware of your current feelings, such as disappointment or sadness?
Taking the time to reflect on these questions can help you gain a more comprehensive perspective on the situation and facilitate healthier communication. You might also consider trying the "RAN" exercise suggested by psychologist Sarah Rozenthuler, author of How to Have Meaningful Conversations: 7 Strategies for Talking About What Matters. RAN stands for Resentment, Appreciation, and Need.
First, prepare a blank sheet of paper or a memo on your phone. Honestly ask yourself what resentments you have towards this person or situation, and write them down truthfully. Next, note down what you appreciate about this person. Finally, write down what you need from this person or situation, which could be something simple like an apology, more companionship and communication time, or a hope for the other person to change plans according to your wishes.
By completing this internal reflection, we can approach our true needs in the relationship from a more rational state and attempt to engage in meaningful conversations, freeing ourselves from the harm that silent treatment can bring to relationships.
It is important to understand that silence is not an ideal way to express feelings and thoughts; no one can truly discern another's mind through silence. While the silent treatment may temporarily satisfy certain needs, such as gaining attention, avoiding the pressure of emotional disclosure, and reflecting dissatisfaction, it fails to clearly communicate your core needs and underlying values. In the long run, this approach is harmful to relationships, silently damaging connections and building walls between both parties, ultimately leading to a breakdown.
In the context of parent-child relationships, research shows that when parents express negative emotions directly, openly, and sincerely, they set an example for their children. This allows children to learn how to express and regulate their emotions, positively impacting the parent-child bond. Similarly, in romantic relationships, if partners care about each other's feelings and are willing to acknowledge any unhappiness, it can positively affect relational commitment.
In the hustle of life, we all crave to be seen, understood, respected, and connected, especially with those we hold dear. The silent treatment cuts off these essential needs, causing pain. If the person involved is someone you love and value, remember that there are far better ways to express yourself than resorting to the silent treatment.
In the upcoming article, "Understanding Intimate Relationships Through Psychology: How to Face Silent Treatment", we will share strategies for effectively managing silent treatment. Stay tuned!
References:
Rittenour, C. E., Kromka, S. M., Saunders, R. K., Davis, K., Garlitz, K., Opatz, S. N., … Thomas, M. (2018). Socializing the Silent Treatment: Parent and Adult Child Communicated Displeasure, Identification, and Satisfaction. Journal of Family Communication, 19(1), 77–93. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2018.1543187
Wright, C. N., & Roloff, M. E. (2009). Relational Commitment and the Silent Treatment. Communication Research Reports, 26(1), 12–21. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824090802636967
Molet, M., Macquet, B., Lefebvre, O., & Williams, K. D. (2013). A focused attention intervention for coping with ostracism. Consciousness and cognition, 22(4), 1262–1270. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2013.08.010
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science (New York, N.Y.), 302(5643), 290–292. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.1089134
Cleveland Clinic. (2024). The Silent Treatment: Causes and Coping. Retrieved at https://health.clevelandclinic.org/silent-treatment
Jancee Dunn. (2025). This Habit Is Quietly Ruining Your Relationships. The New York Times. Retrieved at https://www.nytimes.com/2025/04/04/well/silent-treatment-ruin-relationship.html
Anita Chaudhuri. (2023). The silent treatment: One woman was ostracised by her husband for 40 years. The Guardian. Retrieved at https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/dec/12/the-silent-treatment-one-woman-was-ostracised-by-her-husband-for-40-years
