Ruby Liu MY
One-stop online mental health self-help platform.
We grieve at times and dance at others; we search for meaning yet often feel lost. Each of us encounters moments of chaos, disappointment, and the sense that life has not unfolded as we wished. However, scientific research reveals that our self-perceptions may not accurately reflect how others truly see us. This perceptual bias gives rise to a psychological phenomenon known as the "Beautiful Mess Effect".
Have you ever noticed a wall completely covered in climbing plants? As they grow, these plants quietly spread across the surface, appearing chaotic at first glance. Yet, over time, they become dense, transforming the entire wall into a unique spectacle of beauty and disorder.
In psychology, there exists a phenomenon known as the "Beautiful Mess Effect". This term refers to the tendency of individuals to perceive their own vulnerabilities more negatively than others do. For example, when taking responsibility for a mistake, one might believe that others solely see their shortcomings and flaws - when, in fact, those observers may admire their courage to take responsibility. Similarly, when asking for help, one might fear that others will question their abilities, while those individuals may simply find the request reasonable. Research indicates that we often exaggerate the negative evaluations we believe others hold; moreover, our thoughts typically do not reflect how people truly perceive us during difficult times.
This tendency is quite common. Psychologists suggest that it likely arises from our focus on the details that evoke embarrassment or shame, while others tend to see the bigger picture.
What unfolds when our thoughts stray from reality? When we magnify others' negative judgments in our minds, we may fear revealing our vulnerabilities, concealing our true feelings and needs. Yet, in a nurturing and safe environment, allowing ourselves to show our tender side to empathetic companions can yield profound rewards in our relationships.
Research reveals that sharing our personal stories can deepen the bonds of intimacy and trust between individuals. A heartfelt apology carries the power to mend fractured connections. Engaging in sincere communication and daring to let others glimpse our vulnerabilities can leave a lasting, positive impression. For to show vulnerability is to embrace our humanity and authenticity. Though it may stir feelings of embarrassment, shyness, or guilt, it also signifies a courageous willingness to be seen in our entirety, even the less flattering parts.
“ We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people,
but we are afraid to let them see it in us. ”
- Brené Brown
The "Beautiful Mess Effect" acts like a negative filter, shaping our perceptions of ourselves and our surroundings. Research indicates that those who practice higher levels of self-compassion are less critical of their own vulnerabilities.
Self-compassion helps us discover beauty amidst imperfection, allowing us to return to our true selves and delve into our inner world. It is through exploration and self-discovery that we cultivate a deeper, more compassionate relationship with ourselves.
A person's level of self-compassion hinges on their attitude and approach toward themselves. Scholars have conceptualized "self-compassion" as comprising two main core elements: self-warmth and self-coldness.
Self-warmth represents a positive attitude and approach toward oneself. It encompasses self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness:
Self-coldness stands in stark contrast to self-warmth, representing a negative attitude and approach toward oneself. It includes self-judgment, isolation, and over-identification:
Self-coldness arises from our threat-defense system, originally designed to shield us from external threats. However, in the face of setbacks, we may unconsciously respond to ourselves with criticism and indifference, developing a hostile relationship with our own selves. In contrast, self-warmth emerges from our safeness system, which fosters a sense of calm and relaxation, allowing us to engage in activities that promote our mental well-being, such as self-affirmation and nurturing relationships that provide a sense of security.
Self-compassion is not something everyone inherently understands; it requires practice and cultivation. Remember, you are worthy of love and care; emotions are natural feelings that arise without judgment of right or wrong. We can nurture the healing power of self-compassion through various methods:
There are many methods for practicing self-compassion, such as:
On the TourHeart+ platform, you can explore the practices outlined above, as well as an extensive selection of related audio and written exercises. Here, you can cultivate a perspective of acceptance, gaining valuable insights into your strengths and areas for growth. Take the time to reflect on how others navigate similar experiences, enabling you to embrace your own vulnerabilities with greater openness.
Remember, at any moment, you always have the potential to be your own most compassionate ally.
References:
Brenner, R. E., Heath, P. J., Vogel, D. L., & Credé, M. (2017). Two is more valid than one: Examining the factor structure of the Self-Compassion Scale (SCS). Journal of counseling psychology, 64(6), 696–707. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000211
Brenner, R. E., Vogel, D. L., Lannin, D. G., Engel, K. E., Seidman, A. J., & Heath, P. J. (2018). Do self-compassion and self-coldness distinctly relate to distress and well-being? A theoretical model of self-relating. Journal of counseling psychology, 65(3), 346–357. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000257
Ferrari, M., Ciarrochi, J., Yap, K., Sahdra, B., & Hayes, S. C. (2022). Embracing the complexity of our inner worlds: Understanding the dynamics of self-compassion and self-criticism. Mindfulness, 13(7), 1652–1661. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-022-01897-5
The British Psychological Society. (2024). The beautiful mess effect. Retrieved from https://www.bps.org.uk/psychologist/beautiful-mess-effect
Anna Bruk. (2021). Other People Don’t Think You’re a Mess. Scientific American. Retrieved from https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/other-people-dont-think-youre-a-mess/
Kardas, M., Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2022). Overly shallow?: Miscalibrated expectations create a barrier to deeper conversation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 122(3), 367–398. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspa0000281
Savitsky, K., Epley, N., & Gilovich, T. (2001). Do others judge us as harshly as we think? Overestimating the impact of our failures, shortcomings, and mishaps. Journal of personality and social psychology, 81(1), 44–56. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.81.1.44
Bachman, G. F., & Guerrero, L. K. (2006). Fogiveness, Apology, and Communicative Responses to Hurtful Events. Communication Reports, 19(1-2), 45–56. https://doi.org/10.1080/08934210600586357
Ruby Liu MY
Well-being Promotion Officer of Jockey Club TourHeart+ Project
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